Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me. - Alice Walker

"Speak to me in a loving way." "Hands are for helping and hugging." 'It bugs me that you keep touching my dolls and I wish you would ask me before playing with them."

You may not hear these all the time in our home but even then we understand how essential healthy communication is for our well-being. We understand the power of language and we strive everyday to use language that is restorative; loving, tender, honest and compassionate.

What is affective communication?

Affective communication (AC) speaks life into yourself and others. It is language that connects people on all intellectual levels and creates a solid foundation to deliver and receive feedback. Growing up the importance of language was stressed to me at home, school and other spaces. The application however of language that should have affirmed my brilliance, tenacity and curiosity was rare; my core virtues were instead criminalized and punished. My entire well-being was impacted as a direct result of adultification; a social or cultural stereotype that is based on how adults perceive children "in the absence of children's behavior and verbalizations. This latter form of adultification, is based in part on race..."(see: Listening to Black Women + Girls.)

I still struggle at times with communicating my needs, emotions and boundaries, as well as cultivating and maintaining a healthy self-message.

Having Tatiyana at 16, I knew things had to be different for both of our well-being. Raising a child when you are a child is complex and I have come to understand how, yet again I was impacted by adultification. I am also blessed to see the mistakes I made and make as a mother are connected to the parenting, teaching and error-filled advice I received. It was not until my junior year in college I realized spanking is not a way to build up our children's understanding of their autonomy and right to be safe. Nor does it explain and give positive redirection to children when they cause harm or make a mistake. I think about the impact those spankings (far and few but still not right) will have on Tatiyana.

So here I am 10 years and two children later and I have found through my professional work the most liberating, freeing and healing parenting that works for my girls, my partner and me (as well as our inner-child.) Restorative parenting is not easy; some days we still struggle to maintain our position in the 'with' box (high expectation, high challenge) and other days it comes naturally. The days we struggle to honor and value our children's voice and our own we know there is a trigger, boundary or need that we have to unpack.

Relationship Window (Vaandering, 2014)

Learning about restorative practices in 2014 and implementing the culture in a school as apart of my Masters program requirement, I learned about affective communication. Affective communication is seen as the first step to creating restorative environments. I did not understand how much inner work restorative practices required until 2016 when I began to see the impact of relationships that operated from the 'to' and 'for' box. Everyone suffers when one person or both people in any relationship treats people as if they need to be managed, saved or ignored. I learned how unaddressed trauma makes it difficult to be restorative or in the 'with' box with yourself and others. This includes relationships with children; who have little control over securing and maintaining their basic needs.

When I first used Affective Communication, it went like this: "Tatiyana, I am sad that you are yelling. Please stop." The statement shares my emotions and pointing out her behavior; however, it leaves much to be interpreted. The statement is manipulative for several reasons: It communicates that my emotions depends upon her behavior (it does not) and reinforces the power imbalance between children and adults (here is where I insert Ms. Trunchbull from Matilda.) As my emotional intelligence increased from going to therapy + discussing/acknowledging my traumas, restorative practices and womanism so did my understanding the importance of knowing my emotions and needs before communicating them to others.

An affective statement:

1. Observes without judgement.

2. Conveys physical feeling and attaches it to need (not pseudo-feelings like disrespected, threatened, bullied, etc.)

3. Make a request or give direction.

Since the progression of my healing, understanding of restorative practices and shift to womanism I understand the difference between an affective statement that centers my needs and one that centers everyone's needs by connecting first and then challenging. In other words, when a person's behavior falls short of the expectations we set for us to be human it is our responsibility as a community to connect (show care + express observations), challenge (ask thought-enticing questions + make requests) and provide support for being human (collaborative approach that attempts to meet challenge(s).

My Affective statements now reflect more of its anatomy than before:

"Tatiyana you have yelled several times and I am feeling annoyed because I need silence to study. Please use your inside voice or move to another room where you can make noise."

This statement observes the behavior, communicates my emotion in response to an unmet need and gives the person on the receiving end choices to honor the boundary. The statement

SHOULD NOT

tie a person's worth to their behavior nor place unequal expectations on the person or the relationship. Affective communication is a great way to develop children's emotional intelligence. With time and consistent use our children embrace affective language as their own; even our four year-old Jahara uses them and as a result of that my parenting has shifted (Link to thread I created to share the experience.) To accommodate her developmental stage we started with bugs and wishes, an easy introduction to affective statements for preschool and toddler aged children,

"It bugs me that you took my pencil and I wish you would give it back."

From there we worked to grow her emotional vocabulary and make sure to acknowledge her bugs and wishes statement.

Affective statements are not always responsive and in fact they should be used more than

80%

of the time to build relationships and communication. Even though they can be challenging in the beginning you can use these sentence stems to help shift your language:

When I see/ hear....

I am so touched to see...

I am pleased to hear/see..

I am delighted by...

If I did not believe that everyone including children down to their core values should be honored or that children should not have say in conditions they are exposed to then I would not have received the boundary Jahara needed in order to show up as her best self. As my auntie-friend says, "When we ignore our loved ones boundaries we miss out on the best parts of them." I do not want to miss out on the best parts of my children. I know the sadness of keeping the best parts of me to myself even when it served me. I know the sadness of missing out on the best parts of someone because I did not honor them which meant I was unsafe. I found language that improves the possibility of everyone's safety and cultivates emotional, mental and spiritual intelligence; I found language that helps cultivate conditions for people to be their best selves and I shared it with my children, my partner and those around me.

Reflecting on my childhood, my parenting style the first five years of Tatiyana's life and Jahara using affective communication to assert her boundary affirmed my choice to shift from parenting that considered my children as objects to be managed and gave little space for them to cultivate emotional intelligence, critical thinking and self-efficacy to language that provides space that promotes individual + collective well-being. I will not forget the lessons my daughters have taught me and I make sure they know wisdom can come from anyone; children included. Language has always been regarded as the link between life and death; what we envision and what we receive. I want my children to know the power of their tongue and manifest a life that promotes the well-being of all -- them included. We all deserve language and life that is filled with love, tenderness and hopefulness. Most importantly, affective language centers transparency and vulnerability, something everyone, especially Black children deserve.

Fall 2016

What changes are you making to improve your parenting and breaking inter-generational curses?

Comment below and let us know!

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