Four Tips on Discussing Agency and Puberty for Black Mothers with Black Daughters

"If we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them."

             - Bell Hooks 

As a mother, I understand fully the anxiety that comes with having a Black daughter and talking with her about her body and how it is changing. Black girls experience misogynoir (racism + sexism directed towards Black girls and Black women) within the first five years of their life and are reminded of their place in society the minute they begin to express any femininity connected to Black woman and girlhood that defies patriarchy (social system where men hold majority/absolute power) and de-centers the experiences of white girl and womanhood.  Yes, Black men benefit and at times contribute to patriarchal culture by how they establish ownership of their daughters and insist they will not date until this age because they know how much harmed they’ve caused other women and are afraid that a man will do the same to his ‘pride and joy’.

The first time I was approached sexually was age 9. I was outside jumping rope and a person asked how old I was. I yelled out in midair smiling, "9!" and I could tell I had shocked them. I recall them walking away shaking their head saying, "no way, she's 9 with an ass like that." I was confused and didn't understand...

"what does my body have to do with my age..and my butt?"

This was perplexing and frustrating because I heard many adults in my life make comments about my body and how it was..grown. 

I know I am not alone as Black girls and Black women globally share experiences of their bodies being objectified, criminalized and often, exploited. Dress codes target Black girl and women bodies; in fact: raise your hand if you've ever had to change your top, skirt or shorts because your body shape made it ‘inappropriate’ while watching one of your non-Black peers walk around freely in the same article of clothing sometimes less because...well...racism (anti-blackness specifically), sexism and patriarchy. 

*raises hand*

Before our girls are taught about their bodies and how they work, they are taught what to hate everything about their bodies. We even project those messages onto one another; passing on the shame just to feel even if for a few minutes the rush that comes with being on the other side of the critique and message of self-hate. Those messages rooted in white supremacist capitalist patriarchy and misogynoir socializes our girls to see no worth and only shame in their body while supporting, propping up even non-Black women that undergo medical procedures that gives them Black women features in which they *always* profit from....

I'm talking to you Kardashian clan.

It doesn't stop there, unfortunately when unchecked we experience policing, criminalization and abuse on our bodies within our family; immediate and close friends included. When we neglect to co-power our Black girls with knowledge about their bodies, we leave them open for attack physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We contribute to the creation of harmful conditions that impact self-esteem, positive body image + awareness and opportunities to develop boundaries and expand their understanding of agency. To make sure this does not happen, we have to be strategic and provide a counter-narrative to our girls about their bodies; one that is helpful and affirming as possible.   

As I engage in conversations with Tatiyana about her body and how it is changing I find it most important to share with my community what I have found to be important talking points for mothers who are struggling with having 'The Body Talk' with their Black daughter:

1. The Vagina is the Vagina and the penis is the penis

 I remember a few years ago I read an article that said children of color are ten times more likely to be sexually abused than their white counterparts. Part of this was the lack of transparency around private parts and not discussing 'good touching'/'bad touching' and the right even as a child to have say (agency) over your body. This alarmed me and my major take away from that article was to talk about body parts as early as age TWO. As soon as my girls were old enough to talk we used the word vagina when we talked about bodies and where should people touch you only AFTER they've been given permission. Our girls know that :

"ANYTHING YOUR BATHING SUIT COVERS SHOULD NOT BE TOUCHED WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT AND EVEN WITH YOUR CONSENT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT TOUCH YOU IN THESE WAYS (LIST THEM); THIS INCLUDES  MOMMY AND DADDY. IF ANYONE TOUCHES YOU IN THESE WAYS ALWAYS TELL, EVEN IF YOU ARE AFRAID. EVEN IF IT IS A FAMILY MEMBER WE WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE YOU AND WE WILL ALWAYS PROTECT YOU. "

2. 

Establish a check-in routine

Some things are just too hard to discuss; however, we must maintain connection to our girls as they go through life. Come up with a routine for how often you and your daughter will check in and have conversations around the changes that are happening. A good sister-friend of mine communicates with her daughter via composition notebook for things they don't want to discuss out loud, both agreeing to never speak about them outside of their book. This not only keeps a line of communication open, it reassures your daughter she is safe and can share without feeling shame and judgement, only support and love. This also means coming up with a safe word/phrase that your daughter can use via text or phone call when she is in an unsafe/uncomfortable situation. 

example: she's at her friends house and her friends older brother makes a sexual advance towards her, she knows this is an unsafe situation; she sends you a text saying, "Mom don't forget tomorrow I have cooking class." You know that something is wrong without her alarming those around her and you can quickly make your way to her without putting her in anymore danger...This leads me to... 

3. Provide supportive boundaries

The world influenced by white supremacist capitalist patriarchy has an obsession with sexualizing Black girl's and women's bodies early on and then punishing for the manipulation + exploitation we face as a direct result of such thinking. Black people love to hype one another up and sometimes lines are blurred and muddled; and folks make comments like, "She got a body on her!" "Girllllll, look at the booty! You better keep an eye on her; keep her busy." I remember having to delete comments off a picture of Tatiyana as people openly and boldly commented on her breasts, on Instagram no less. Whenever comments about her body + body shape come up I happily and firmly remind people that she is still a child and to refrain from sexualizing her body. Those comments are rooted in the white supremacist patriarchal thinking that paints Black girls and Black women out to be sexual deviants and perpetuates the belief that young Black girls are 'hot in the pants' and 'fast.' There is no reason to link puberty and body development in Black girlhood to sexual promiscuity and manipulation, especially when predators rely on patriarchal thinking that leaves Black girls and Black women vulnerable.

Setting this boundary early on communicates to Tatiyana and Jahara that they have a right to their bodies and to feel safe without having their bodies picked apart and most importantly, Mama ain't letting that ish slide! 

4.  Talk with your daughter about her growing breasts, vagina, masturbation and menstruation

The time will come when your daughter has questions about the growing lumps on her chest. Explain to her that breast development is a sign that she is in the beginning stage of puberty; that the soreness is common as they grow (but still keep an eye on it) and how to check to make sure they are healthy (discuss the importance of mammograms and how to do a self-mammogram!) Masturbation is often another conversation that comes up and it is essential to their development to normalize masturbation as the very act connects our physical being to our emotional and deepens our understanding of self. Your daughter may bring up that her vagina and nipples feel good when she touches them a certain way or when water at a certain pressure flows on them LOL. Explain these are pleasure points and the benefits of touching them; studies have shown masturbation or 'self-love' improves sleep quality, mood, concentration and relieves menstrual cramps. The more we encourage our girls to explore their bodies, the less room we leave for others to create doubt within them and attempt to exploit their bodies in the ways Black girls and Black women bodies have been exploited since chattel slavery.

Finally, the 'thing'. Yes, that Thing -- Aunt Flo'. Talk to her about menstruation and what exactly is happening. Explain to her that menstruation does not mean she is a woman the way patriarchal theology disguised as religion claims and that what really is happening is her body undergoing hormonal changes; the ovaries release estrogen and progesterone which causes the uterus lining to build up. The lining helps keep fertilized eggs attached and support development. If there is no fertilized egg, the lining breaks down and bleeds. Describing this to her will help her understand why this occurs for most of us monthly as we have millions *sighs* of eggs. Most importantly, remember to show her how to properly use and dispose pads (Tampons for the older girls if that is an option) and when the time comes (13 is the recommended age to start regular visits with a gynecologist.)

Am I truly ready for all of the changes Tatiyana is going through? Absolutely not however, I can do my absolute best to educate her and create the conditions necessary for her to take pride and ownership of her body regardless of what the world says about Black girls and Black women bodies.  Even if we don't understand fully, it is still an opportunity to educate ourselves and our girls -- because they deserve to feel love and support, internally and externally and the first step towards developing a healthy and sound foundation of one self is providing the truth without shame, around our bodies.

Sound off in the comments and on our Instagram: MillennialMochaMoms! 

Have you had 'The Body Talk' with your daughter? If so, what were you talking points and cultural connections you made (their body + their community perception) with your daughter?

#IllBeInTouch