Can we talk about the D(ating) and Motherhood?!

COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE BENCH......

Happy Cuffing season ya'll! 

 Yes that's right, your girl is single.  I have been single for about a year and a half now! It wasn't until this year where I started to date, even deeper it wasn't until this month your girl decided to stop being standoffish and be open to guys who aren't "my type" while trying dating sites (Gotta love my pushy ass LS and Best Sandz *rolls eyes*).  My type is cliche, yes baby; Tall, DARK and Handsome! I get that right but he usually comes emotionally unavailable, impulsive, has a history of  bread crumbing or ghosting. Needless to say, I may need to change my type.......

Or.....

Kidding, Kidding...I think.

One actualization I had over the past 7 months was that I need to change my inner-self to attract who it is I believe I deserve. I also need to change how I spoke about myself and work on my confidence. Now, hear me out I ain't no "Pick Me" (See: thirsty jawns on twitter who willfully perpetuate patriarchy) but I do believe you call experiences and people onto you life for wherever you are in your journey. My last serious relationship didn't go/end so well. The beauty that came out of that was Jahara, life lessons and most importantly I learned how important it is to love yourself. I also understood and saw firsthand how toxic my own actions/words are. I realized how insecure and jealous I was because I had no definition of self. I was the relationship. Point. Blank. Period. This year has been the first year where I proudly show my inner and outer self (all 284lbs) off to the world! With that being said, I found all of this confidence to be myself and yet none to open up to date. So with all of the journaling, meditating, self-reflecting, working out and striving to be a better, kinder, more loving and gentler person to ME; I know that sooner or later my soul will call out to the soul that will love me the same way I love and honor myself. 

I also realize that I am naturally a lover and nurturer. I  attract men who need healing and love. These are the ones who typically have no clue how to reciprocate said love. It is up to me to identify them and choose how to move forward..meaning do I want to teach them or do I want to leave them for the next woman who wants to take on that project.

I also attract Virgo men and for the life of me I cannot understand why. One thing is for sure and two things are for certain...

1. A Virgo man is the demise of a Gemini woman. 

2. Ya'll are sociopaths. Don't @ me and do better. 

Bitch, as bomb as you are! What's the deal?

First of all, I don't even like meeting people family! I'm slowly getting over that and once I get over that I THINK I should be okay. Picture this, it took my ex's mother to run up on me while I stopped past their house one day and we were 3 months in....I still think he set me up but whatever. It's just weird and I've been in those relationships where mom (hell even dad once or thrice) doesn't like me and it makes for an awkward situation. I just didn't want to go down that road again. I was wrong about her however and now me and Ladybug (thats my nickname for her) are tight as ever and I love her soooo much!

(Actual footage of me trying to escape the day his mom pulled up.)

Okay, its not a dance team but you get it.

Second, I have internalized that men will be turned off or shy away because I have two children. I also get anxiety when I think about the possibility of bringing someone around my children and the heavy WHAT IF it doesn't work out. I know ya'll, Kimora Lee Simons has a whole Bring It Dance squad and is married once a year so it is safe to say that there is someone out there for me. At 25, I understand why it is important to date to figure out whats best for you and I also understand as a mother how exhausting it can be on the dating scene. 

I also have two little girls that I need to protect and I'm afraid that I will miss the signs and put them into harms way. For example, a good friend of mine invited me to her birthday party a while ago and I went with my youngest daughter. While there, one of her guy "friends" *more on that later* and I sparked up a conversation. He slid in with the whole "Your daughter is so beautiful and has such a great personality she gets it from you I can tell. [Inner Barb] Boy, you full of sh*t. [Outer Barb] "Awe, thank you!"

We did the typical ASL (Age, state, location for you post AIM kiddos *eye rolls*) and talked about our careers, family, how we knew our mutual friend. He even offered to take me out and teach me about football since I have little knowledge about it. If I had a 1.00 for every time a man led with "teach me how to follow football" line I'd be rolling in dough. This is the part where some of ya'll who know me are like, "Barb...Didn't you.."

Yes I dated a professional football player and I still dont' know shit about football, I just know the man ran the ball and dassit.

Speaking of which:

But Anyway...

We exchanged numbers and he walked me and my daughter to my car, said goodnight and off to Baltimore we went. A few days later we texted and it was nothing deep. 

My friend later asks if I had talked to him and I said briefly, at this point I'm not totally open to dating but I felt that God was pressing pause on things with him and for good reason. A few weeks later her and I catch up in-between our snapchat, text, IG convos via FaceTime.

YA'LL

This man had turned himself in that day for having sex with a student at the high school where he was coaching football. Both of us in shock and in disbelief, he initiated a sexual relationship with a girl 13 years younger than him. My friend kept apologizing and was so upset that she had let him in her home where all of those young girls were running around. We were so grateful that God had covered me, her and those babies in her house. I kept thinking what IF I would've pursued something with him? Luckily, that was the first AND last time I saw him but we were both in shock. Disgusted, angry and in shock. 

So yes, I'm unpacking a lot as I finally relish in my singleness however the anxiety of what ifs often paralyze me and I shut down knowing that I have all of this love to give. Also, I hardly have the time to date. You only get me one day a week and every other weekend. I don't know what kind of relationship can be built with that limited time but God bless you if you are willing to try it out. I've been trying to figure out how to write this for awhile because I was like, "how can I do this without airing my business." But shit, ya'll know I ain't perfect. Especially if you've been reading and subscribed (side eye if you haven't thus far.) I haven't given up on love, I am still unlearning the idea that when it comes to romance, I am no longer qualified to be someones girlfriend, fiancé or wife. 

I also am learning that there is more to me than being a girlfriend, fiancé or wife. Even now, as I see many friends becoming girlfriends and wives I remind myself that I am not in that part of my journey. Right now my journey is to define who I am while discovering my likes and dislikes. I made the mistake of putting my life on hold for a relationship that didn't have a solid foundation and spent more days bad than good.

 I was playing wife to men who didn't  feel comfortable with making plans with me let alone making me their girlfriend.

I realized I was so invested in a relationship that was no longer  because that was the only identity I had and I clung it to like my life depended on it.  I wanted to be married and hadn't even seen let alone imagined the power, success and life I could have just being ME. I realized that was my biggest lesson to be learned. So this year, I made it a point to be uncomfortable, share my insecurities and stories to the universe, as one of my favorite black women says, "It is your story to tell and it is the universe's to own." Now, I dress up, do my makeup and take myself on weekly dates. I hang out and travel with my best friend(s),  I openly take advice from black women around me that I consider aunties, sister and extended mommies. I don't shrink myself to make men feel comfortable in my presence. I don't apologize for "knowing it all." I'm just living for me now and I wasn't doing that when I was in relationships.  Out of all I have been through in the last 18 months, choosing to pick me everyday has been the best decision ever.

 I know that there is someone out there for me and when he comes it will be beyond everything I imagined. 

Right now, I am dipping my toe in the dating pool. So far, the temperature feels just right. 

Oh yeah, If you have a brother 27+, 5'10+, successful, Black as a pit from pole to pole,  stable job, emotionally secure and loves children...send him my way.

What's your dating life like? drop some comments/love below.

#IllBeInTouch